A MARTÍNEZ, HOST:
Unfortunately, or fortunately, some of you may already know this - we are now squarely in breakup season.
JOHN KIM: Holidays are supposed to make you feel warm and cozy and connected. And if you don't feel that, it can be kind of a dye marker of where you're at in your relationship. And then the new year coming, people, you know, asking themselves what they want, including is this the love that I want? And so, lots of evaluation, and so this is breakup season.
MARTÍNEZ: That is John Kim. He's a therapist and the author of "Break Up On Purpose," a new book that makes the case for eight different types of breakups. We started by talking about breakups and the new year.
KIM: I think it's great that there's a new year. You're excited, and you want some new things for yourself. But I think you got to bring it back to you and your own relationship before wanting to look for love.
MARTÍNEZ: Now, according to your book, not all breakups are created equal. Tell us about a few of the eight categories you wrote about and what makes them different.
KIM: Yeah, I've always thought no one's actually examined the different types of breakups because each one will require a different prescription. So the flat soda breakup, this is a breakup that should've ended years ago. The blindsided breakup...
MARTÍNEZ: (Laughter) I just got that flat soda reference, yeah.
KIM: Yeah. And, you know, the blindsided breakup is one where it just comes out of nowhere. I've actually been guilty of blindsiding someone, which is horrible. The big one, this is the first true love. And usually this is young love, but it's also probably unhealthy, and that's why it felt so big. It's when our hearts were made of powdered snow. Then there's the soap opera breakup, the I need to get a restraining order. The breakup that, you know, is toxic, and people are slashing tires and making threats. Another one is the almost relationship breakup, and this one is really interesting. It's the relationship that was almost a relationship but never was. This is actually hard because what you're losing is secondary loss, all the things that could've been. So when we're dating someone, we're thinking about baby names and thinking about...
MARTÍNEZ: (Laughter).
KIM: ...You know, the future and what we could build. So all of that is lost, and there's grieving in that. And then there's the breakup that never ends, you know? You get back together, then you break up, then you get back together. You know, time goes by, you get a haircut, you look different, you get back together.
MARTÍNEZ: (Laughter).
KIM: And that stuff never works because...
MARTÍNEZ: Yeah.
KIM: Whatever broke the relationship is still there, you know?
MARTÍNEZ: And then there's the legal one, right? Divorce, right? Legally broken up.
KIM: Yes, the big one...
MARTÍNEZ: Yeah.
KIM: ...The divorce. And I think divorce is - can be a lot more complicated because if there's kids involved, if there's property, it's so much more than a breakup. I mean, it's a complete life change and lots of conversations, negotiations and, you know, all that.
MARTÍNEZ: So you're saying it's important to understand and dissect the type of breakup to understand what you need to recover from it and then for the next relationship?
KIM: Yes, yes. I mean, like, if you went through a blindsided breakup, your nervous system is, you know, on alert, and there's panic. So there's different things to focus on as opposed to, say, a flat soda breakup, where there's probably not a lot of drama. There's a lot more peace and sadness.
MARTÍNEZ: How important this time of year, John, is it to maybe not get sucked into the holiday feelings, the new year that's coming up and maybe think, well, maybe I should be in another relationship when maybe your relationship is actually doing OK?
KIM: Yeah, it's hard, you know, especially with social media and you see other people have what you want, whether that is the picket fence or running around with their partner and traveling the world. It's easy to feel lonely this time of year. And I would say, try to find solitude. And try for this year to be the year that you actually feel comfort in self, learning more about yourself, pursuing your passions, your dreams, everything that you want to do or you wanted to do before you got into a relationship and lost that. So connecting back to the spirit of you that you have disconnected with.
MARTÍNEZ: John, this interview, it's over. It's not you - it's me. I need to end it...
KIM: (Laughter).
MARTÍNEZ: So I'm very, very sorry. That's John Kim. His book is "Break Up On Purpose: A Catalyst For Growth." John, thank you.
KIM: Thank you. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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